felifeli's Xanga

Officially Freaking Out

Thu, 21 May 2009 15:06:59 GMT

Friends are getting married. Friends are being directors. Friends are starting up business.
Friends are having kids. Friends are making so much10x more money. Friends have nice clothes.
And so many shoes. And they know how to look pretty for the boys. Friends are this. Friends are that.
Spending in Jakarta is the same with UK while I make 10 times less the money.

One silver lining of it all : Haven't been this happy for a good long time.

Keeping up with the Joneses will be an endless exercise I know so I'm strengthening my core.
Keeping up with what I know is important to me and make sure it's swimming through my veins.

Life used to be a blur of Mondays and Fridays and everything in between.
Now the world is opening up to me and I have to literally choose what to focus on.
It used to be a matter of what's available out there to be worked on.
Now I have to make conscious decision in every single minute I live.

Empowering. Yet... very scary at the first time.

no more going with the flow F. Play time is over.
Gotta get on with life before it consumes you.

mwahaha.

Life is beautiful indeed, once you decide that it will be.

Words

Fri, 01 May 2009 14:54:16 GMT

It’s a blank page.

But you always have to start somewhere. So many words jumping hoops and making waves in my head. Flirting with each other. Some could make lasting impressions but most are just trying their luck. A string of words would form a sticky shape and an idea would start bubbling up. From an idea comes the flood of possibilities. Streams by streams of stringed words somersaulting simultaneously. Like flying fishes. Yes. Just like that. Sudden headache. Sudden euphoria. I am standing on the safe side of the banks, and I’m fishing. I’m fishing for a punch line. I’m fishing for a main body. And I’m fishing for the multitudes of meanings that the shortest amount of words could possibly contain. And I am continuously amazed by them. As I am not built in with a carrying basket, I let those wondrous creatures back into the realm of the nature. If I am blessed I might have been given a chance to jot them down on paper. But most times I carve them in my head. And let time take care the rest.

Words. Fascinate me.

6 Months After

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:49:38 GMT

Time flies.

This time last year, and the year before is all about drama.
This year is not. And I am thankful for that.

The world is at an awkward phase I think. Or maybe I am.
I mean I know that the world is sick.
But deep down I seem to still have this make-believe that everything is actually ok.
Until one day I opened my eyes. And it seems that really....
Everybody is just as confused as everybody else.

Used to think that Thais are the most peaceful people on earth.
When they talk about corruption, I always thought that only the crooks do it.
But even the good people corrupt the company's time with their 2 hours lunches, private phone calls

And so it seems that you have to keep your guards up every single moment.
Being nice to people can be suicide sometimes. As my experiences have thaught me.
Feeling the ground that I am walking on as I trudge along.
My personality seemed to have been so much absorbed by the dramas since I was 17.
And now I am almost what. 25? And yet.... there's so much I don't know about myself.

So privileged yet so lost. The trouble of the next generation.
I am still thankful though. That, I am getting better at.

7 Pounds

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 14:30:11 GMT

disturbed me that I could not concentrate the whole day after.

If you came hoping for a feel good movie then you'll be dissapointed. A guy so deeply remorsed with his negligence in the past decided to give all of him away to 7 strangers. Willingly.

Yea yea. the movie was so full of symbolism, beautifully done, with no extra sentences, events, glances or even a drop of sunshine wasted. If you watch it again and again you could probably write and essay how the twitch in his eyes were because of what was coming next. etc etc.

The thing is. It is still a movie to the fact that his heart fits in the girl's body perfectly.... and all other 'movie quality' of a story. But still it's so real.

The punchline at the end that 7 people died because of him BB-ing while driving. *spoiler sorry*. Is so... disturbing. I thought of many times what would I do if I am the sole survivor of something that could easily be traced back to my negligence. To have someone spend millions and make 2 hours worth of movie out of it is just... wrong. So depressing.

The whole idea of him letting 7 people live for the 7 he 'killed'... is almost poetic. Linked with the 'in 7 days God made the world, and in 7 days I killed myself' .. It's just too much. What disturb me the most is that... those kinda shit happens.

You have the greatest time of your life. Blanket of happiness. Bounce on your feet.

Then you do something stupid.

then. BAM. your life goes upside down and you barely can stand looking in the mirror at yourself.

Though noone blames you for what you do, how could they knowing you're punishing yourself enough just from one glance.

But still life has to go on. But life had since become pre and post event. And every single thing from your previous life reminds you what a failure you are and how you as a person have failed the society.

I don't know why but I'm just deeply disturbed by the movie. 'It's only a movie' some will say. Maybe because it's Will Smith. And that he's a really good actor. If I had to play that I'd probably meeting my therapist on a weekly basis on day 1 after shooting's over.

I guess.. the fact is that.. Till the end of the day.. he cannot forgive himself nor was he willing to. Forgiveness to oneself is the hardest thing to do. And maybe... that's the one thing I could relate.

I'm glad I have...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:09:39 GMT

1.Moved to this remote boarding school in New Zealand for high school
2.Stayed in that bloody school for the full three years even though my first 2 years were hell-ish
3.Hung out with strangers who turned out to be the added bonus of my life.
4.Taken Mechanical Engineering...
5. And stayed in it for the full four years. (Which in turn brought me to many places)
6.Worked with engines (Good conversation starter)
7.Injured myself in so many places (that I now learn how to behave. almost)
8.Backpacked in China, took a bus to neverland not knowing how to get back.
9. Wonderful parents that act what they preach more and more.
10.Beautiful brother who looks like me (just checking if he's reading). mwahaha
11.been loved and loved another human being.
12.always listen to what my heart gotta say, at the end of the day, when everything else fails
13. Worked in marketing. Even for only a short period of time.
14. Made a quick stop in Swiss on our way to Greece no matter how uneconomical now that I think of it. I can still smell Zurich! and Cheese Fonduueee.. Mmmhh
15. Followed my impulses on some random things in the past that were too stupid to put in writing and attach my name to it. (JIC I get to be president of something and you all little rascall trying to dig dirts on me)
16. This weird affinities to the Carribeans world of food and music wherever I go now.
17. Tried that ryhtmic dance that everybody seemed to be high only they weren't.
18. Travelled 2 hours with train just to see Tim Minchin' concert. (and not watching Jason Mraz although he's half an hour away from home... gah. I can be so...... pelit sometime)
19. always considered invitations for dinners were extended in the name of friendship.^_^ see post below.
20. tried futsal. never.. been.. soo... out.. of... breath.... like... that... gosh I can still remember
21. very good people around me. and that I have...
22. returned home.

although at some point I might not think such as all of the above.

A guy...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:46:03 GMT

Told me he likes me because he thinks I'm an interesting Catholic girl.
...
Read that again.
Yep.

First thing that popped us was 'man.. must be hard finding a girl with the same faith these days that you have to approach anyone with the same faith to see if they're into you as well...' which is confirmed later after further exploration when he said 'yea.. seems like since I got a whole new revelation in the whole courtship, after praying a lot, I figure that I have to keep my mind open to pursue girls who in the past might not have been who I would consider..' I don't know what got lost in translation but I believe he meant well.... I just kept laughing throughout the conversation. His FB seemed to show that he bounced back quite ok though. Bless him.

Second thing was that.. 'dammit. just when I thought I could finally have a guy friend... there you go'. Seem like they all are nice until you find out that they're after something from you. Like a baby or two in the future perhaps. Throw in some good home cooked meal now and then. Yea he was all nice and caring and blah. But that's what friends are for! Or so I thought. Which part of 'am staying off men for a while' didn't he get. gaaahhh. I hate loosing a friend. Not that he stopped being a friend after that. But just... all this time... I'm not sure if he was trying to get closer to me or he was just being himself and just so happened that 'hey, interesting Catholic girl. why not!' gaahh..

But then again. When did people start liking me for being a Catholic? So fine yea, I got a whole 'new' personae when I returned home. Been getting myself involved with the hustle and bustle of this wonderful little community with big dreams and hopes for Indonesia (which you should check out if you ever go back home for good btw). Which in turned involved me with activities that revolved around church and good stuff. No more drinking. No more clubbing. No more craziiiness. The thing is... I don't know if I have really given up all those things.. or if I'm just taking a break.

There are days when I really do wanna go out and dance. And let loose again. But then I remember what comes after.. And how bored I was the last few times I went out, in the midst of all those 'ajep2' and blaring music, I was freaking bored that I'd rather be home watching grey's anatomy. :-/ But then I guess life is a series of negotiations. In my head I'm threading the lines between living your life to the fullest and living it good. I'm all about taking a risk, doing things just for the sake of it. No regret. Even with that, I am regretting that I was so very secluded when I was in UK that I did not dare do the things that I wished I have done. It might've saved me from a lot of pain but it had spared me from all the goodness that wilderness could bring.

I guess not many people could understand both side of the coins when they barely know me. Especially the ones I met in goody-two-shoes context. And the thing is...singlehood is so enjoyable! I should have never gotten into a relationship, but hey how would you appreciate the sun if you never have darkness, no. I see friends rushing to get married and it's good for them that they are ready. I go to weddings and I ooh ahh at their pretty dresses and I go home glad that I won't have to answer to anyone but myself (and the parents at the moment. hehe). I played cards with my little nephew for 2 hours and I thank God profusely that I do not have a child yet.

It could be trauma it could be whatever. But men have these tendency to turn me into someone who I'm not. Which at a point I hardly recognize myself. Well, until I have reach a level where I am not so malleable anymore, I will be glad to start relationship with the intention to build the 'Holy Family' that God wants us to. . But till then, I will be on my own and would like nothing else. (Let's hope I'm not 60 and loosing all my pro-creation drive by then)

Beyonce-

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:34:18 GMT

If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

NgeBlog Lagi ah.

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:17:03 GMT

Gw lagi punya burning desire untuk mendokumentasikan proses transisi dari tinggal di luar selama 10 tahun.. sampai akhirnya tinggal di Jakarta. Kalo bisa jadi blog terpisah nanti.... Harapannya sih supaya makhluk2 Indo di luar yang mau balik Indo pun bisa punya satu lagi basis referensi jikalau suatu saat nanti dihadapkan pada pilihan : forgood atau tidak.

Proses adaptasi masih terus berlangsung walaupun tiga bulan terakhir rasanya kayak jalan di awang2... dan sekarang pun masih belum begitu napak tanah karena kenyataannya I am still so very dependent on other people. But that is also the thing about Indonesia. Kebersamaan dan kerame rameannya itu yang irreplaceable. And I am so missing that setelah bertahun tahun hidup begitu individualistisnya walaupun ada juga yang namanya itu komunitas ini dan itu.

Se-awang awangnya masa itu ada juga saatnya gw sempet doubtful whether I have made the right choices or not, even until now, untuk beberapa decisions yang gw ambil in the past 3 months, sepertinya akan menggelontor jalan hidup gw ke masa depan, membentuknya akan seperti apa awalnya... Saat ini gw lagi mencoba untuk fokus dan tidak main mata sama namanya pilihan2 lain. Tapi ya didoakan saja.

Tapi sebelum cerita panjang lebar tentang proses2 interview, psikotes2, cari cari jobs ad, ketemu temen2 lama, temen2 baru, nganggur2, dapet kerja, abis kerja tiba tiba di goda oleh tawaran interview di tempat lain, lalu gimana tinggal sama bonyok lagi setelah sekian lama, gimana kehidupan malam berubah menjadi online dan tidur dan baca buku saja, bagaimana menanggap kemacetan jalan sebagai sebuah sarana (pelepasan stress dengan memaki maki ataupun nyuri2 nap), bagaimana menyikapi tingkah laku maklhuk2 yang sebelumnya jarang dijumpati dsb dst. ....

Lebih baik cerita ini dulu yang tadi bikin gw pengen nge-xanga lagi.

Jadi.. setelah tiga minggu sempat menginjak dunia marketing dimana gw belajar banyaaaak banget dalam kurun waktu yang sangaaaaat singkat.... I no really understand what's the meaning of product positioning. Kayak kalo di supermarket2 itu adanya product2 ditaruh2 di eye level dsb dst. Tadi gw menemukan bahwa nyokap gw sendiri yang mungkin tidak begitu mengerti istilah2 itu (walopun I'm sure udah pernah dapet seminarnya tapi pasti gak gitu peduli hehe)... telah begitu suksesnnya mempraktekkan hal hal tersebut secara tidak sadar.

Pulang dari jualan tiket gw buka lemari es dong... Kelaperan judulnya. Apa ya yang bisa di cemilin... Coklat macadamia ah... Tapi ternyata oh ternyata. untuk mencapai coklat, perlulah membongkar enam botol kecil yoghurt Cimory yang menurut penilaian seorang nyokap2 tentunya jauh lebih sehat dari cokelat. Hehe. itulah salah satu bentuk nyata product positioning berlaku di rumah gw. Tentunya gw ngambil yoghurtnya secara gw aus gitu.(I will talk about that bloody word in bold on another case). dan manis juga... jadi ya both mission accomplished. (mum's and I) Tapi ada dugaan bahwa coklat tersebut sembunyi karena dia juga hobi makan tu coklat. hahahah takut tau tau lenyap kali.

Oh.. and the thing about living in Kelapa Gading... Akhirnya bonyok gw telah menjadi prajurit2 terlatih yang kalo ujan deres dikit jam berapapun... bisa bangun. cek jalanan. dan sampe banjir, di mobil sudah siap tas satu set baju ganti kalo2 perlu ngungsi. Dan ternyata itu ga cuma keluarga gw doang (ato tepatnya bonyok gw doang, berhubung gw mah pules2 aja bobonya), keluarga2 lain di gading pun ternyata banyak yang begitu.... Tapi emang katanya 4 hari pusing banjir2an tak akan mengalahkan akan nikmatnya hidup di kelapa gading dengan kemacetannya yang makin busuk, jalanannya yang rusak banget di depan makro sampe penyempitan tinggal satu jalur dari tiga, sumpah kayak muka jerawatan di magnified gitu. Oh ya. dengan MOI, MAG dan MKG1235nya. (4 nya ga ada soalnya berhubung di gading banyak huajiao nya jadinya ga boleh ntar jadi si. he he he.) Dan ada tiga bioskop..... Udah ah ga penting.

Yang penting seborok2nya negeri ini ... saya masih cintah Indonesia. ternyata. hmm. on another thought, ask me in 12 months and see what I'll say. pis yo.

balik ke Indonesia

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:00:51 GMT

Pertanyaan nomer satu terstandard sepulangnya aku ke bumi ini adalah.
'Kenapa pulang ke Indonesia?'
-Yah.. biar deket orang tua lah-
Bagi yang sekedar berbasa basi jawaban ini memuaskan. Tapi bagi yang merasa basa basinya kurang lama, or in many case waktu basa basinya belom abis berhubung bareng bareng nungguin interview, biasanya akan dilanjutkan dengan
'Ah masak sih. di luar kan lebih enak'
-Yah apa juga relatif lah... Lagian udah dari kecil di luar, pengen tinggal di Indo juga, enak kok-
Di tahap ini, beberapa orang lagi akan gugur dan segera mengganti topik. Untuk beberapa yang persisten, super kepo ato NGEYEL akan segera melanjutkan dengan
'Loh tapi gajinya di luar kan 5000 US dan di Indo cuma 5 juta'
-Heheheh. iya ya. Tapi disana dingin gitu-
'Ah masak sih udah di luar negri lama ga tahan dingin'
-Iya kan darah saya panas-
'Ga cari bule aja?'
-Ga usah dicari udah keliatan semua kok-
'Ah bisa aja mbaknya. Tapi di luar negri enak ya. Kenapa pulang?'
-Biar bisa ketemu MAKLHUK ANTIK kayak elo!'

Ada lagi kasus lain dimana setelah gw menjawab 'biar deket orang tua'... si makhluk yang nampaknya puas pun terdiam. Sehari kemudian.. tiba tiba dia datang.
'Gue merasa jawabanlo kemaren nggak logis'
-buset... dipikirin. apa coba. yang mana?-
'Masak elo pulang gara gara orang tua? emang elo anak tunggal?'
-Ngga. bedua. kakak gw cowo di luar.-
'Oh. makes sense'
-dan itu penting beeccaauuusee???

Yah sebagian diatas hanya khayalan tapi pastinya beberapa sangat mendekati. Walaupun hampir 100% dari anak2 yang ditemui akan bertanya demikian... tapi ada juga yang rasa nasionalismenya tergugah saat gw waktu itu berkata 'Duh.. masak ya.. tiap kalo gw intervyu2 ketemu anak2 disini pada kayak pengen banget gitu keluar negri...' dan dengan segera di interupsi oleh Teman Patriotik (TP) 'Ah. gue enggak kok!'.. Dan terdiam lah saya.. sambil memikirkan perbincangan semalam..
TP : 'Duh gw kayaknya bakalan berkiblat ke negri kangguru nih...'
gw: 'Mo nyusul calon laki ya?'
TP: 'Iya....'

YEY- kagak konsisten berat.

Tapi back to awal, lenapa semua orang merasa perlu ada pembenaran dibalik sebuah tingkah laku orang laen. Alesannya juga kayaknya musti yang masih sanggup berenang di kolam pikir mereka. Misalnya gw menjawab dengan 'karena ada alien2 yang melarang gw untuk kerja disana' dan itu BENAR, apa iya mereka puas. Kayak contoh lainnya, kalo pasangan baru putus, pasti pertanyaannya 'kenapa putus, kenapa ga ditahan tahanin, udah usaha maksimal belom.. dsb dst'. Padahal kenyataan itu jalannya 24/7 terus terusan detik demi detik. Untuk dirangkum dalam lima sampai setengah jam percakapan tuh ga mungkin dapet semua nuansanya. Apalagi kalau hal tersebut dijalani oleh dua manusia. Belom lagi dengan menjawab tentunya muncul juga seribu pertanyaan lagi. Okelah dasar dari conversation dua arah adalah kemampuan mendengar, menyerap, membagi cerita dan follow up. Tapi belakangan apa yang keluar dari mulut pada saat saat tersebut sudah susah di percaya kemurniannya. Bila kata keluar dari hati, sepertinya untuk kasus ngeyel2an diatas lebih banyak di intercept sama logika, ingatan dan pikiran.Susah memang bicara hati ke hati!

Target di Umur 25

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:46:27 GMT

1. Punya passive income

2. Aktif organisasi sosial

3. Jualan ini itu

4. Bisa nyetir di Jakarta ga malu2in

5. Nulis buku

6. Pendalaman finansial

7. Kembali ke 'rumah'